As someone who struggles with trust, I tend to look for wisdom on what trust means. What contributes to it? What builds it? What destroys it?
Impression management borders on dishonesty.
The words that we speak to each other everyday are full of impression management. To portray a version of myself that is acceptable to you. And hide the parts of myself that you don't agree with.
I'm guilty of this myself.
I've stopped myself from talking about my church, my religion, the decisions I make, and the views I hold, in conversations with people whom I know hold judgment about these things. So that I won't have to face derision from them, or face disagreements in points of view. I don't agree with their judgment, but I don't know how to address it without seeming overly defensive. So I avoid bringing these up altogether. This is true even for some close friends I have.
But hiding some parts of ourselves to be accepted by others is dishonesty and it risks breeding distrust.
Honesty: Selfish or considerate?
Telling the truth is honesty.
But is that enough to build trust, like Simon says in the quote? I don't think so.
When honesty is selfish and spoken with a 'me-centered' approach, it only drives a deeper wedge between people.
Imagine that you confided in a loved one about a certain behaviour that is affecting you. And he/she says, "I honestly think you're thinking too much and there's nothing wrong with me doing that." That self-centered honesty is not going to build trust at all.
Imagine that you request to do a certain activity with your loved one. And he/she says, "I don't want to spend money on something I don't enjoy. You can go ahead if you want to." That self-centered honesty is not going to build trust at all.
What builds trust then? It's the clear communication of the consideration for the other party and where they're coming from.
"I'm sorry that what I did affected you, it wasn't my intention. I should have thought about my actions beforehand. I did it because ..."
"Thanks for asking. I'm not sure if I want to spend that amount on that activity since I've tried it before and it wasn't very fun.. but I still want to spend time with you."
Be honest AFTER taking the perspective of the other into consideration. Honesty that's always about yourself and how you feel will only push others into the pit of distrust, from which it is incredibly hard to get out.
Trust is not a checklist.
In his book Start with Why, Simon writes:
"Trust is not a checklist. Fulfilling all your responsibilities does not create trust.
Trust is a feeling, not a rational experience.
We trust some people and companies even when things go wrong, and we don't trust others even though everything might have gone exactly as it should have.
A completed checklist does not guarantee trust.
Trust begins to emerge when we have a sense that another person or organization is driven by things other than their own self-gain.
You have to earn trust by communicating and demonstrating that you share the same values and beliefs."
Such a succinct summary that makes so much sense. In friendships and relationships, this is why trust cannot be built by only changes in behaviour after a disagreement - without a belief that you and I share the same understanding about the reason behind the behaviour change, we are only left with the impression that the change is obligatory and reluctant, made only to 'appease', with no real understanding on the inside.
Trust is built by honesty AND the recognition that the other person is considering your position, your values, your beliefs.