Think about an incident when you were young that was so shameful that it hurts you to think or talk about. What was it? How did you feel?
According to Brene Brown, a vulnerability researcher, the majority of people will recall an incident that marks of a 'creativity scar' - being shamed in an activity that entails creativity e.g. writing, dancing, drawing, etc. And many of these memories are very vivid.
In attempting to unpack the psychology behind human darkness, Brene spoke to numerous people, collecting stories and analysing trends over many years of research. I write here about a portion of what she found with regards to guilt and shame.
What's the difference between guilt and shame? Does it matter?
1. Guilt is a step to self-improvement. Shame is a step to self-destruction.
Shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, suicide, bullying, aggression, violence, and eating disorders. Guilt is inversely correlated with the same outcomes.
In other words, the more guilt you're able to use and the more you can focus on behaviour rather than self, the less likely you'll experience those outcomes.
"An addict needs shame like a man dying of thirst needs saltwater." Shame kills people who are struggling with addiction (which is also a reason why they're struggling with addiction in the first place). Shame and addiction are so intimately correlated that it's not possible to find out where one starts and the other begins. It's a chicken and egg problem, no way to know, but a self-destructive cycle.
This has implications for parenting; focus on the behaviour in your child's wrongdoing, instead of on their identity. You're potentially saving them from making destructive choices later in life.
2. People who feel shame are more likely to blame than people who feel guilt
Why? Guilt focuses on the behaviour, shame focuses on the person's worth.
Guilt = What I did was bad. Shame = I am bad.
Guilt = I'm sorry, what I did was a mistake. Shame = I'm sorry, I AM a mistake.
Guilty people are able to separate their actions from their self-worth, knowing that they can change their behaviours for the better. But people who feel shame internalize the wrongdoing as reflecting their true selves; there's no way to change how bad or wrong they are fundamentally inside, so how can they apologise for being themselves?
So when people who are prone to shame do something wrong, and feel uncomfortable about it, they start looking outwards to vent this discomfort. Blame is the discharging of pain and discomfort. We blame when we're uncomfortable or when we're in pain. It has no adaptive function.
In parenting, this means being cautious about the words you use. Parents who blame each other and everyone else raise judgmental children who are unable to be held accountable for their own thoughts and feelings.
3. People prone to shame are more likely to have maladaptive relationships than people prone to guilt.
Brene believes that at the heart of shame is the issue of self-worth. Am I worthy enough? People who are prone to shame internalize negative beliefs so fundamentally that they lack the belief in their worthiness - worthiness of love and belonging, worthiness of connection with other people.
The one thing that keeps us from connecting with others is the fear that we are not worthy of connection.
Shame-prone people can be contrasted with what Brene calls the whole-hearted people - people who truly believe they are worthy of love and belonging. Whole-hearted people have courage, compassion, and connections - courage here meaning telling the story of who you are with your whole heart.
Have the courage to be imperfect, to be compassionate with yourselves (because you cannot be compassionate towards others if you're not compassionate with yourselves), and build connections with your authenticity. Embrace vulnerability despite its inherent scariness and discomfort - this is something shame-prone people struggle with. The whole-hearted people accept vulnerability as a necessary part of life, and so, are more willing to do something where there are no guarantees. This includes showing up and being genuine to people, without being sure that they'll necessarily like the person you are.
Believe that you are worthy. Then accept that vulnerability, and start building more genuine connections with others.
What makes the difference between shame and guilt is: Do you think you deserve it?
Imagine this: A teacher is handing out exam scripts in the classroom. She's left with a paper without a name on it. She calls out, "I've got one paper left. And it doesn't have a name on it. Who didn't get a paper? Who did NOT get a paper? Oh Suzie? Suzie didn't get a paper? How many are surprised that Suzie did not get a paper? I asked a question. How many are surprised that she didn't get a paper?" The teacher then walks up to Suzie and says, "Suzie let me tell you what I'm going to do. No name on your paper, I'm going to help you out. S-T-U-P-I-D, stupid."
How does Suzie respond? How will she feel, what will she think? Will she feel guilty? Will she feel ashamed?
If her self-talk is, "That is the most rotten, nastiest, most horrible teacher ever. I did NOT deserve that", that's guilt. But if her self-talk is, "Oh God I'm so stupid I'm so stupid I'm so stupid", that's shame.
What does this mean for parents? With guilt comes humiliation and pissed-offness because she didn't think she deserved it, which means her parents are going to be more likely to hear about this at home. But if Suzie feels ashamed, she's not going to say anything about it to her parents. There's no news; "I'm stupid, I got called stupid."
What determines whether you emerge unscathed from a shaming event is whether you think you deserve the shame inflicted on you by that person, whoever it is. If you think you don't, you feel guilty - and that's normal, that's fine. It makes you motivated to make amends, to correct your mistakes, to improve. But if you think you deserve it, you feel shame - and that's a cause for concern.
Parents: It's not enough to simply avoid the use of shame in your parenting, it's also important to teach your kids shame resilience!
In short:
Guilt - good, productive, adaptive. Shame - extremely dangerous.
I highly recommend listening to her TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability if you haven't already.