What determines whether a relationship will last? There are so many articles and research done on relationship satisfaction. I don't regard myself to be the expert, but I'll tell you what I noticed about the stable and secure relationships I've seen around me.
Too many people promise commitment to other people, without realising they in fact are not ready to commit. Many relationships begin largely from perceived mutual interest. You are liked by the other person, and you enjoy the feeling. The feeling is mutual, and so, you get together.
But there is a difference between commitment and interest.
Commitment sustains motivation and energy, to continually find solutions over tough times.
Interest kickstarts initiation, but cannot bring about long-term sustenance.
Commitment focuses on giving some of yourself to create value for the relationship.
Interest focuses on receiving benefits and pleasure to the self from the relationship.
With an other-centred focus, commitment naturally leads to mutual understanding and growth. When you are committed, you immerse yourself in the relationship fully, long-term. You put all your energy into learning about your partner and doing things together. You take responsibility for the decisions you make and words you speak. You intentionally set aside time for the your partner.
With a self-centred focus, interest can hardly bring about meaningful outcomes or substantial relationships. Interest is a transient friend, and directs attention only to what gives the most benefits in the short-term. What happens when someone else comes along, and expresses interest in you? Mere interest in your partner is not going to guarantee commitment.
Interested people are only concerned with what they can get out of the relationship. Committed people are more concerned with what they can put into the relationship.
To be fair, all relationships probably begin with interest. You notice some similarities in backgrounds and hobbies. There is some attraction, you guys get along. You enjoy the feeling of being liked by the other. You make great friends. How do you know whether or not to bring it to the next level? That's where your values and outlook on life comes in.
For a long-term relationship to work, interest alone cannot guarantee success. I know people who easily become attracted to a potential partner, simply because of the benefits they can get from him/her. They only care about those who express interest in them, or who lavish praises on them. They're not interested in going through difficult times with the ones they 'love'. They're simply interested in what they can get out of the relationship. They're not committed. They cannot form genuine, caring relationships.
Interest can develop into commitment, however. How do you know? When you give to the relationship not because you have to, but because you want to. Some people give in to gain approval or avoid conflict - this is NOT commitment. This is obligation. There is no internalisation of the reasons for the action. Commitment has no place for obligations. Committed people give because they believe in the value of giving, not because they feel forced to.
Of course, the definition of commitment varies from person to person. You may disagree with what I write below, and that's fine too. What you want to keep in mind is to find the person whose definition of commitment matches yours.
With that in mind, here are 8 solid markers of couples in lasting, committed relationships:
1. Considering the needs of your partner in your decisions
Couples who are committed think about each other while making most decisions. By decisions, I mean both major (e.g. financial investments, family planning) and minor (e.g. what to eat, how to spend your time). This is not to say that your partner dictates what you say or do all the time. Rather, the focus is on being considerate for the opinions and needs of each other in all situations.
When buying something: Will your partner want/need it?
When making plans for the future: What will your partner think about it?
When deciding on what to eat or do on a date: What does your partner like?
When there is an emergency: Is your partner ok? How can you be there for your partner?
When making plans with others: Will your partner want to join in too? Inform your partner so he/she will know about your whereabouts.
Again, the focus isn't on being 'controlled' or 'manipulated' by your partner, but really being accountable to your partner on decisions you make, because in a lasting relationship, all your decisions are going to impact your partner one way or another. When you consider the needs of your partner in making decisions, you show that you care about your partner's point of view. That is going to matter in building trust in the long-term.
2. Communicating in love during disagreements
This cannot be more important. When there are disagreements, couples in committed relationships accept the perspectives of the other, even if they may not agree to it. In fact, not agreeing on everything is healthy, because it means there's space for growth in the relationship to understand one another and work things out.
On top of listening and understanding the perspective of your partner, work things out! There's no point in talking about things if there is no concrete resolution. With the new understanding of each others' perspectives, what can you and your partner do in similar situations in future? Couples in committed relationships are proactive in addressing the needs of their partners, as well as their own. Suggest something you can do to address your partner's concern, and suggest something your partner can do to address your need as well. Honesty is always appreciated.
Besides accepting the other's perspective, committed couples never blame or judge each other unnecessarily. Disagreements never become personal attacks, but are rational discussions on how to meet each other's needs as best as possible.
Some people appear to be considering the needs of the partner, but are really only twisting the conversation around with the focus on their own needs. Such selfish communication has no place in lasting relationships. Self-centred communication erodes trust and erects barriers.
3. Appreciating your partner and expressing it regularly
Committed couples focus on the good sides of their partner, and are very proud of their partners in these areas. So much so that they express it often, both privately and publicly. Words of Affirmations is one of the love languages in relationships, according to renowned marriage counselor Gary Chapman.
You appreciate and edify your partner, not because you have to, but because it's what you truly feel. Expressing your devotion regularly sends a message of commitment very strongly to your partner, and to others. This builds a stable foundation of trust and security.
This applies not just to 'big' qualities (e.g. being a pillar of support through difficult times), but also the small things (e.g. buying food for you when you're busy, or offering to run errands).
Having a heart of gratitude, not just to your partner, but to the people around you in general, makes relationships and friendships genuine and meaningful.
I've to admit Words of Affirmations is one of my main love languages, which may explain why I wrote this. If you find it hard to understand how appreciation is important, it's likely that Words of Affirmations is not your love language. Find yours here. More importantly, find out your partner's love language, and learn how to speak it! Love is expressed and understood differently by everyone; maybe the way you express it cannot be understood by your partner. So, love your partner in their language.
4. Being honest at all times
On your thoughts and feelings, both to yourself, and to your partner. This has the most obvious implications in loyalty. No matter the attractiveness of anyone new coming along, you know that your partner is the one you can trust who knows, accepts, and loves all your quirks, and whom you can rely on to watch your back when needed.
I know of people who were self-aware enough to know that they were attracted to someone else while in a relationship. Instead of letting their emotions rule their behaviours, they intentionally take steps to keep their distance from the subject of attraction. Make the decision to remember your commitment to your partner. Express this to the subject of attraction - this represents the highest level of commitment in terms of loyalty.
Trust should never be taken for granted. Expressing your commitment openly to your partner is even more important in 'dangerous' situations like these. You may be fully trusting of your partner if he/she encounters interested alternatives, but you cannot assume the same of your partner. Trust in relationships is like a sheet of metal; strong and malleable, but also very brittle. Take care of it and it can be very strong; mishandle it and it might shatter.
5. Trusting that you got each other's backs no matter what
Commitment doesn't just refer to loyalty. It also refers to making the effort to be there for your partner when they are going through a rough time. Being a pillar of support, and being encouraging when they face uncertainties.
Even trust can be lost in tough times, when loyal partners only give lip service, are barely there, don't know how to give support, or judge the struggling partner. I've seen and experienced too many of such situations. Loyalty is the basis for commitment, but it's not enough.
Committed couples know that when the going gets tough, they can turn to their partners to listen, talk things through, get new perspectives, find the best solution, or just to be a stable anchor through the ordeal.
6. Acknowledging mistakes and apologising when needed
Committed couples are not afraid to admit mistakes made and apologise when necessary. Take responsibility for your actions and thoughts, and be aware of what may you said of did that may have hurt your partner. Sincerely care for your partner's feelings, and prioritise that over your own pride or ego.
I know of people who apologise before any issue is brought up, because they have enough self-awareness to know that some of their actions may have made their partner uncomfortable. This forms a very strong basis for trust and security.
People who can do this have fully put aside their 'need to be right'. This need is a major reason why most conflicts end up much larger than they should be.
I honestly struggle to understand why so many people find this difficult. If my partner were to express (verbally or non-verbally) some discomfort over something I did or said, I'd gladly apologise because I prioritise the growth of the relationship and for my partner's feelings. The willingness to say sorry and make amends shows that you prioritise your partner above your ego.
7. Trying novel and challenging activities together
This is less about the dynamics within the couple but more about forming memories and bonds in the long-term.
A long-term relationship is always about growing together as a couple. This means that change is a constant. Committed couples are flexible to changes and accommodate for each other. Be open-minded to trying new activities together, exploring new places, or doing things differently. That makes the relationship exciting, and creates new memories for both of you.
8. Everything above has to come from both parties
If there's anything I know for sure, it is that no relationship can be sustained when only one party puts in the effort.
Maybe you're committed, but your partner isn't. This cannot sustain a relationship. The lack of commitment of one party erodes trust in the other party. No matter the efforts of the committed party, nothing is going to work in the long-term if the other is unwilling to prioritise the needs of the committed party.
We are humans and we survive strongly on reciprocity. We are all imperfect. Can anyone really love another unconditionally, without receiving consideration in return? Let me know if you know someone who can. I'd love to be inspired.