3 Things We Gain From Sadness

I caught the movie Inside Out recently and I loved it.

The takeaway I got was that Sadness is valuable.

1. Sadness tells us something important.

Sadness is an emotion and all our emotions are an indication of what an event means to us. Think about something that made you really sad. It could be the passing of a family member, or a pet. It could be the unsuccessful application of a job. It could be the falling out with a friend. Maybe you regretted something you did. Maybe it hurts that you don't seem to matter to someone who matters the world to you.

How can any of these be 'good'? You don't want to feel this way. These are 'bad' events. I use inverted commas because good or bad is subjective and I urge you to rethink how you label the situations you're facing.

It is human and perfectly normal to feel immense sadness in the events above. In fact, you're expected to be sad.

When a family member, friend, or pet passes away, you're sad because you loved them and they meant something to you. Your grief is testament to the relationship you had with them, which is linked to a treasure trove of memories together - words spoken, places travelled, food eaten, and lifes lived. Isn't that beautiful? To know that someone or something could matter to you this deeply. Your love is incredible.

When you fall out with a friend or go through a break-up, you're sad because - similarly - this person mattered so much to you. You remember how you used to laugh together, go to places together, shared gifts with each other, and affirm each other. Sadness comes from the ache that things could have worked out but did not. What was the reason for things not working out? That reason tells you something important about yourself and about the other person. It signifies what you value and how that may differ from the values of the other person. And now with this self-awareness, how do you move forward? How will this help your existing and/or future friendships and relationships?

To hurt is to be human.

- JK Rowling

2. Sadness brings love.

Something fundamental about the human condition that connects all of us is the ability to reach out to someone in need. When you see a friend upset about something, you listen. You do something to make him/her feel better. You offer your words, or time, to bring cheer.

Isn't it amazing how sadness can bring closer connections with the people who matter? Think about who you turn to when you feel down. These are the people you trust the most. The people you can tell your deepest darkest secrets to, without fear of judgment or rejection.

Your sadness and vulnerability at the low moments in your life reveals to you the friends who truly care. Those who turn up at your doorstep with a tub of ice cream. Those who call to ask about you even when they know everything isn't rosy. Those who offer to help you get things done without expecting anything in return. And you will find out who your fairweather friends are, friends who just pay lip service. Those who make passing remarks that everything will work out or who say nothing at all. Those who wanted to hang out with you when everything was going well for you, but steer clear of you when you're down in the dumps.

3. Sadness makes joy sweeter.

Think of a time when you felt exceedingly happy, after recovering from a low point in your life. How did you feel about yourself?

I did it. I can't believe I'm here, when just months ago I was struggling so badly. I achieved so much. I picked myself up again.

You realise how strong you are. You experience happiness so intense you feel that your heart is bursting out of your chest and you want to shout it out to the whole world, that you have moved on from the darkness in your life.

And you experience this so intensely because you remembered your sadness. You remember vividly the aching in your heart, the sleepless nights, the nightmares, the constant anxiety. You remember the listlessness, the lack of desire to do anything at all, or even to eat. You remember your lowest point. And so, you appreciate your joy so much more.

So many people strive to be happy all the time and feel guilty to be sad. I've heard friends saying, "You know, I'm normally not like this. I normally bounce right back. I normally don't feel so much after a break-up. I'm normally ok. I'm a happy person." Why is there a striving to be a positive person? Labelling yourself as 'positive' and 'happy' often makes you feel that you have to live up to that, just like Riley in the movie. That mindset rejects the necessity for grief to be a part of your life sometimes. And as psychologist Marty Cooper wrote, depression results from an obstruction in grieving.

Accepting that sadness and anger is an inherent part of being human, however, does not grant us a sense of entitlement or of victimizing ourselves. It does not give us permission to use our emotions as a weapon against the people around us. Just because you're sad, doesn't mean you can vent your frustrations verbally or physically on anyone, even yourself.

I saw this poem a while ago and I loved how it conveys the essence of this article:

Joy and woe are woven fine,

A clothing for the soul divine,

Under every grief and pine,

Runs a joy with silken twine.

It is right it should be so,

We were made for joy and woe,

And when this we rightly know,

Through the world we safely go.

-William Blake

#emotions #feelings #sadness #joy #love