"The cost of leadership is self-interest."
I wouldn't call myself a leader, and I am no expert on leadership. But I was left with a deep impression of what good leaders are made of in a video interview with Simon Sinek, the founder of Start with Why, a movement that urges companies and individuals to think about the reasons behind their products, services, and decisions. I find his work incredibly inspiring, find out more about what he does here.
In the interview, he spoke of the Navy SEAL training in the United States. Apparently all enlistees have to pass a rigorous BUD/S training regime (this training is very similar to that shown recently in the local movie Ah Boys to Men 3: Frogmen). A navy SEAL who had successfully completed the training was asked: Who makes it? Who makes it through BUD/S?
"I can't say who makes it. But I can tell you who DOESN'T make it.
The big burly guys, those who think they are the size of their muscles are an indicator of the size of their strength? None of them make it.
The guys covered with tattoos, who have them there to show everyone how tough they are? None of them make it.
The college star athletes, the preening leaders who like to delegate everything but not get into the mud themselves? None of them make it.
"Some of the guys who make it look scrawny. Some shiver, out of fear. But every single one of them, to a T, when all the chips are down, when they have no strength left and their minds and bodies are exhausted, everyone of them has the capacity to go deep within and find the strength to help the guy next to them. THAT'S who makes it."
Intuitively, you'd think that leaders are self-serving - after all, isn't that how they get ahead? That the contrary is a fact is a refreshing testament to the goodwill of humanity: Good leaders are the ones who look out for the people around them. In fact, this doesn't just apply to leaders. it applies to everyone regardless of your role at work or at home.
In Simon's words:
"If we consider the elite forces on the planet the people who put others first, then why would we consider the elite in anything else to be any different?
In the military they give medals to those who sacrifice themselves for others.
In business, we give bonuses to people who sacrifice others for themselves.
True leaders put the needs of others before their own. Don't think about how you can get people to do what you want. The question is how do you take these people and help their natural abilities shine? How do you get these people to demonstrate leadership qualities and serve them what THEY need? Your role is to let them know, that they have everything they need to work at their best and that's how loyalties are created."
I'm using Simon's words above because the message is succinct and strong. And this applies not just to corporate leaders, but to other relationships as well. Parents to children, spouse to spouse, friend to friend. Social relationships fail when parties only think for themselves, when people use others to serve their own needs. When leaders make subordinates do their bidding, so that it reflects well on the leader. When parents make children study socially-approved subjects, so that it reflects well on the parents. When people make their partners change, so that their partners would be 'more' ideal.
These actions per se are not wrong, but when they arise from self-interest instead of a genuine belief in the goodness of the other, the relationship will be based on fear and control instead of trust and love.
Selflessness isn't evolutionarily adaptive, if you think in terms of survival of the fittest. Maybe you think: If I don't think about my own needs, I will be taken for granted, people will take advantage of me. But know this - people have a basic need to be part of a community, and altruism is necessary to be an integral member of a community. Societies function heavily on reciprocity. If for any reason you hold back in giving more because you fear not getting back what you have given, that is the time to give, wholeheartedly.
It could be anything. Offer to help them. Stop what you are doing and listen to them. Think about what they say and understand them. Lighten their workloads by taking them on. Provide solutions for them. You will gain trust and deeper friendships. Certainly, there might be people who do not appreciate what you have done. But this reflects who they are, and should in no way have implications on your decision to be selfless.
Serve others not because you want to be recognised for your actions, but because you see value in their worth as a subordinate, colleague, friend, spouse, or child.
[photo credit: Gyro Consulting. http://gyroconsulting.com/2013/03/08/selfless-leadership/]
