"Feelings should be indicators, not dictators. They can indicate there are some emotions to process, but not dictate how we act or react in a situation." - Lysa Ter Keurst
Most of us have probably found ourselves prisoner to our emotions at some point in our lives. Maybe we were criticized by a superior. Maybe a stranger was unnecessarily discourteous to us. Maybe a family member said or did something hurtful.
It is so simple to react to that in that moment. To be provoked into defensiveness, to get angry, to retort something hurtful. It happens to all of us. But just because something 'happens to all of us' doesn't mean it's right.
One of the most empowering values espoused by psychological literature and self-help books is our ability to decide on our reactions in any given situation. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People author Stephen Covey writes, "Look at the word responsibility - 'response-ability' - the ability to choose your response. Highly proactive people recognize that responsibility. They do not blame circumstances, conditions, or conditioning for their behaviour. Their behaviour is a product of their own conscious choice, based on values, rather than a product of their conditions, based on feelings."
He describes the difference between Proactive and Reactive people. Reactive people are easily influenced by their social environment - when people treat them well, they feel well; when people don't, they become defensive or protective. Reactive people build their emotional lives around the behaviour of others, empowering the weaknesses of other people to control them. Proactive people are also influenced by external stimuli; however, their response to the stimuli is a choice instead of a reaction.
In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can hurt you without your consent."
In the words of Gandhi: "They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them."
Therefore take your emotions as they come, visualize them in a bubble, and set them where you can examine them. It gives you a clearer mind, a better view of the situation, what you wanted from it, the reasons why, and how you can express it in love.
You can't change the way people act, you can only change the way you react to or interpret them.
Processing your emotions doesn't mean suppressing them. There is a difference between accepting your emotions versus denying them. When you process your emotions, you accept them without judgment of yourself or of others. You view them neutrally as a third party would. This is not the same as sweeping your emotions under the carpet as they arise in you just so that you would not react in a way you might regret. Suppression of emotions this way is likely to backfire, because these unaddressed emotions will accumulate into bitterness, and there will be a point of time in future when a trigger would release the flood of resentment onto someone who was unfortunate enough to be the trigger. And that someone will likely be someone who matters to you.
Processing your emotions isn't going to be easy. It takes energy, it takes mindfulness, and it takes time. But it is worth it. You will grow as a person. You will be able to step back rationally, and see the bigger picture. You will become a master, and not a slave, to your emotions. Relationships improve, conflicts reduce, understanding increases... and it all starts with you.
